I’m not sure who sent me these, but whoever it was should probably be shot!
Never mind, have a good laugh!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.
“Really,” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, “These guys have lost the plot!”

 My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.
“Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was driving this morning when I saw an A.A. van parked on the side of the road.The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, “That guy’s heading for a breakdown.”

I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite
He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.