Australia – Chanters Lodge Livingstone

Retardment

This classic from Judy in Australia!

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Bateman’s Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don’t have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night – early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.!

Awwwww!

23
MAY

Australia, People

Labour Stimulus – Aussie Style!

Thanks to Judy for this (cynical) one!

Labor Stimulus by: Gillard and Swan (above):

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it buy using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

However, fear not, below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

– If you spend the stimulus money at Coles, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka

– If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

– If you buy a computer the cash will go to India, Taiwan, Malaysia or China.

– If you buy fruit and vegetables, the money will go to Mexico, Philippines and New Zealand.

– If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

– If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

– If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales.

2) Going to the footy.

3) Spending it on prostitutes or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Australian businesses still operating in Australia )

Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage-sale and drink beer all day!

2
MAY

Australia, Economy

The Experience

‘The Experience’ is ‘The Chanters Lodge Experience with The Milli Jam Ingredient featuring George da Soulchild Kaufela, and it’s our regular Sunday night radio show airing weekly from 20.30 to 21.30 hrs CAT on Zambezi 107.7 fm, Livingstone’s leading local radio station. This week’s Guests, pictured above, were Peter and Jane Kohlhoff hailing from Sydney, Australia, briefly visiting Zambia for the first time and staying at Chanters Lodge. This loving married couple told listeners that they’d been married for 357 days and we took the opportunity to wish them ‘happy first anniversary’ in advance! Peter is a professional musician and Jane a psychologist – they told listeners that they both work freelance. Jane has her own psychology practice which operates one or two days a week and for the rest of the time she is involved with research. Peter plays bass guitar and double bass and has been involved in music since he was a teenager.

The music on our show was good. We opened with ‘Take Care’ by Drake featuring Rihanna, back to back with Justin Bieber’s latest smash ‘Boyfriend’. George chose B1’s ‘Perfecto’ currently a very popular track in Zambia together with ‘Chitemene System’ by B-Flow featuring Exile and JK. Milli Jam dropped Usher’s ‘Without You’ and ‘How We Roll’ by Loick Essien featuring Tanya Lacey. Our ‘oldie of the week’ was ‘Sweet Soul Sister’ by Train. We asked listeners to text us right away when they knew who was singing on the track – that’s if they wanted to win a dinner for two at Chanters Lodge. But no-one knew! I had predicted this! We gave the prize (off air) to our two hard working presenters, George and Milli Jam! My pick of the week was ‘Blackout’ by Breathe Carolina.

Peter and Jane explained that they’d arrived in Zambia the previous Thursday from South Africa and would be returning there as Jane would be attending a meeting for psychologists after their stay in Zambia. The day they’d arrived they’d taken the sunset cruise on Lady Livingstone which they’d loved. The following day they’d gone on a two day camping trip to Chobe National Park in Botswana. They’d been very lucky not only to see hundreds of elephants, common in Chobe, but also lion and leopard. They had seen lots of other species as well. Peter and Jane had returned to Zambia on the day of our show, and had been to see Victoria Falls which they had loved – ending with a sundowner at the Royal Livingstone Hotel. They told listeners that they were not so much into sport as lots of Australians but loved their music.

Asked where they would like to be and what they would like to be doing ten years from now, they hesitated and then Peter said ‘I do not know, but I am looking forward to it’! Peter and George spent time discussing music off air, and we hope their plans for some sort of collaboration bear fruit – Peter has played on over 150 recordings and should certainly be able to assist Soulchild in his ambitions!

18
APR

activities, Africa, Australia, Botswana, Chanters, entertainment, guests, music, radioshow, recording, victoriafalls, wildlife, Zambia

‘The Experience’ – Wangaratta to Livingstone

Meet Corienne (above right) and Ginny Krich, all the way from Wangaratta in Victoria State, Australia. Corienne and Ginny, guests at Chanters Lodge, Livingstone appeared on the latest edition of The Chanters Lodge Experience with the Milli Jam Ingredient featuring George da Soulchild Kaufela – that’s our regular weekly Sunday night radio show airing between 20.30 and 21.30 hours on Zambezi 107.7 fm – Livingstone’s leading local radio station. The show is a great mixture of music and chat. We feature news from the international pop charts as well as giving away a weekly prize of a dinner for two, to the first person to text us telling us who’s singing our ‘oldie of the week’. On this particular show no-one won! Listeners could not tell me that Sipho Hotstix Mabuse was singing ‘Burn Out’ – shame!

Corienne and Ginny told listeners that they were mother and daughter and had arrived in Zambia just the day before – it was their first visit to the country and they were very much looking forward to their stay. They had a busy activity schedule ahead of them beginning with an elephant safari the very next day. They would also be taking a sunset cruise, doing the rhino walk, the lion encounter, visiting Victoria Falls and taking a cultural tour as well as a safari in the Chobe National Park, Botswana. They were both very excited about the prospect.

The music on the show featured ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ – the Walk Off The Earth version, coupled with Jason Derulo’s ‘Lockdown’. George chose Mr Vezzy’s ‘Every Day’ back to back with ‘Boza’ by Jay-Rox for his Zambian selection, while Milli Jam featured Beyonce’s smash ‘Love On Top’ with Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ remix featuring Chris Brown – naughty that one! Our pick of the week was Dappy featuring Brian May with ‘Rockstar’ and we closed with ‘Live My Life’ by Far East Movement featuring Justin Bieber. All latest! All good!

Corienne told listeners that she worked for an NGO in Wangaratta helping to provide homes for neglected children, that she was married to Ginny’s dad who’d retired and who had been left at home in Australia to take care of their three cats! They had a son as well, a pharmacist currently on holiday in Sri Lanka. Ginny told us she had been a hairdresser for the past twelve years, that she was single and loved being free to do as she pleased! She was due to go to college when her holiday finished, in order to study a course which would lead to a qualification allowing her to take up work similar to her mum’s current job.

I took the chance to tell listeners about Pinterest, a fairly new ‘scrapbook’ site on the internet, as well as information about how to find us on Twittter and Facebook. We thanked Zambezi 107.7 fm for the purchase of a new mixing deck making the production of our programme much easier and more professional.

Corienne and Ginny explained that they’d be spending a week at the coast in Namibia after their time in Zambia. Corienne’s favourite music was anything by The Beatles whereas Ginny favoured hard rock – the Foo Fighters amongst other bands. When asked where they would like to be and what they’d like to be doing in ten years’ time this delightful mother/daughter combo said they had ‘absolutely no idea’. We laughed!

8
MAR

activities, Australia, Chanters, entertainment, guests, Namibia, radioshow, victoriafalls, wildlife, Zambia

Old Folk Down Under

Some more radical suggestions from Judy in Perth as to how to sort out Australia!

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

Pensioners would:

– have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

– receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc

– receive money instead of paying it out.

– have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

– have bedding washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

– have a guard to check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

– have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

– have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

– have simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid free on request.

– private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens

– have a PC, TV, radio and daily phone calls

– have a board of directors to hear complaint

– the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals, on the other hand:

– would get cold food,

– be left all alone and unsupervised,

– lights off at 8pm,

– showers once a week,

– live in a tiny room,

– pay $600.00 per week,

– and have no hope of ever getting out!

19
FEB

Australia, health, infrastructure, innovation

Aussie Patriotic Retirement Plan

A nice one from Judy in Perth, Australia!

Dear Ms. Gillard,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing Australia’s economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan – you can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.

– Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car.

– Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage

– Housing crisis fixed.

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university

– Crime rate fixed.

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week

– and there’s your money back in duty/tax etc.

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell those greedy companies to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years

– or we shut them down.

It can’t get any easier than that, but if more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances!

Grumpies of the World Unite!

10
FEB

Australia, Economy

Scott Taylor & Aimee Aspinall Drop Kick ‘The Experience’

Milli Jam, co-host of our regular Sunday night radio show, The Chanters Lodge Experience with the Milli Jam Ingredient featuring George da Soulchild, was quick to ask our guests last Sunday “which country do you come from?” Scott and Aimee, pictured above, told listeners that they were from New Zealand, Scott from Auckland and Aimee from Dunedin. “That’s a small country near Australia that recently won the Rugby World Cup” Scott continued. Talk about getting it in early! “Where were you when that happened?” We asked this engaging couple. “Well actually I was there!” Replied Scott proudly, “and I was in London on the phone trying to make sense of what he was drunkenly trying to tell me!” Quipped Aimee. We laughed.

Our programme goes out at 18.30 hrs GMT every Sunday night on Zambezi 107.7 fm and is a cool mixture of music and chat. The show streams live on the internet too. We’re popular locally not just for the great music we play, but because we give away a dinner for two at Chanters Lodge on each show! The prize goes to the first person to text us telling us who’s singing our oldie of the week. On this particular show no-one won! Ha ha! The track I played was ‘Macarena’ by Los del Rio – everyone knew the track, no-one knew the artists. As our next show will be on Christmas Day we promised to carry forward the prize, make it easier and dinner for four people to compensate! So watch out for that one!

Scott and Aimee told listeners that they’d spent the last 7 years living in London, working but travelling whenever and wherever they could. Scott works in IT and Aimee in property management. This was their first visit to Africa and they were very much looking forward to their three week safari through Botswana, Namibia and South Africa which would start in a few days’ time ending in Cape Town. From there they would head home to New Zealand for a visit with friends and family before moving to Sydney, Australia where Scott was scheduled to take up a new appointment. “Are you married?” Milli Jam asked. “No, but he’s popped the question and I said yes!” Replied Aimee, breathless and excited!

The music on the show was cool and latest as usual. Dev featuring Enrique Iglesias with ‘Naked’ kicked off the programme back to back with Natalia Kills featuring Far East Movement and ‘Lights Out’. Local tracks were ‘My Police’ latest from Magic Links featuring K’Millian coupled with ‘Ngani i Gelo Wandi’ by Macky 2 featuring Dandy Krazy and Kanene. Milli Jam featured ‘Never Lost’ by BoB ft TI and Coldplay, back to back with Rihanna’s ‘Drunk On Love’. We wound up with T-Pain’s smash ‘5 O’Clock’ featuring Lily Allen then Sway’s ‘Still Speeding’.

Aimee told listeners about her two years working in broadcasting in New Zealand. We wanted to know how she and Scott had met and they told us it had been in a bar in Dublin where they’d both been with friends. Was it love at first sight? “Pretty much so!” They seemed to agree. They also told our listeners they were very much looking forward to having tea on Livingstone Island the following day and swimming in Devil’s Pool. They hoped it would be the highlight of their stay.

Asked where they’d like to be and what they’d like to be doing 10 years from now, this great looking, happy couple said they’d like to be back in New Zealand, running their own business and married. “Children?” We wondered. “Yeah! Why not?” Was their eventual reply!

20
DEC

Africa, Australia, Botswana, Cape Town, Chanters, computers, entertainment, entrepreneurship, football, guests, innovation, livingstone, music, Namibia, People, radioshow

Kate & Nick Minns on Zambezi 107.7 fm

We were delighted to welcome Kate and Nick Minns, pictured above, to Chanters Lodge last week, and indeed as guests on our local radio show ‘The Chanters Lodge Experience with the Milli Jam Ingredient featuring George da Soulchild’. As regular readers will know, our show goes out every Sunday night on Zambezi 107.7 fm, Livingstone’s leading local radio station, at 20.30 hrs and streams live on the internet too! It’s a locally popular show, perhaps because we give away a weekly prize of a dinner for two with drinks at Chanters Lodge to the first person texting us the correct answer to the name of the artist singing our ‘oldie of the week’. This week the track was ‘With You’ and the artist Chris Brown. The prize was quickly snapped up!

Kate and Nick are from Adelaide, Australia and are both nurses qualified from University of South Australia. For the past two and a half years they’ve been working in a cardiac unit in a military hospital in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, taking the chance to travel during their breaks. They told listeners they’d been to Spain, Syria, Italy, France, Germany amongst others on a long list of countries! When Milli Jam asked them which country they’d visited they liked the most, Nick rather surprisingly opted for Syria – they’d been there before the current troubles, while Kate said she’d loved Italy, partly because of her family background which contained roots in Italy. During their present trip they’d been to Uganda to see the mountain gorillas, as well as to Kenya and Tanzania. They’d been impressed to see the magnificent migration of tens of thousands of wildebeest in Tanzania.

The music on the show was great. We opened with Flavour’s ‘Adamma’ – a huge hit in Nigeria and a great dance track, back to back with Flo Rida’s latest ‘Parapapa’. Milli Jam had trouble getting his tongue around that. Local tracks were ‘It’s Alright’ by Exile featuring K’Millian coupled with ‘SpotLight’ George Kaufela’s smash with Ty2. We moved on with ‘Talk That Talk’ by Rihanna featuring JayZ and ‘Til I’m Gone’ – Tinie Tempah featuring Wiz Khalifa. Great stuff and we surmised that the Chanters Girls would be dancing back at the lodge. We closed with Maverick Sabre’s ‘I Need’.

Nick and Kate told listeners how much they’d enjoyed their breakfast on Livingstone Island the previous day – Nick had jumped into Devil’s Pool but Kate had not (wise girl!) They’d seen Victoria Falls from both sides and although they’d been impressed with the Zimbabwe side they felt that the Zambian side offered better opportunities for photography. We liked that! This lovely, adventurous couple told listeners that they’d be spending the last few days of their holiday in Cape Town and were then looking forward to flying home to friends and family in Australia, after a long time away.

Asked where they would like to be and what they would like to be doing ten years from now, their first reaction was to cry in unison ‘we don’t know’ but after a pause for thought agreed that they’d like to be working in Australia, still travelling from time to time and raising a family. Sounded like good ideas to us.

22
NOV

Africa, Australia, Chanters, Kenya, livingstone, medical, music, radioshow, Tanzania, tourism, victoriafalls, zambezi, Zambia

Bungee!

Something to make you laugh this weekend, seeing we live so close to the world of bungee jumping! With apologies – obviously – to all Irish readers!
The picture? Oh! That’s a Kenyan doing it!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere’, says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Sod dat, dis budgie jumping is far too dangerous for me!’

THERE’S MORE…

Moment’s later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other
‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’

IT’S NOT OVER YET…

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
‘Sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now Sean and his damn hengliding!’

I’m not sure whether to thank Judy in Australia for this or not!!!

4
NOV

activities, Australia, joke

Fable Of The Porcupine

Thanks to Judy in Australia for this one! Love it!

The Fable Of The Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm.

This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

The moral of the story?: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The real moral of the story…..

LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE OR FIND YOURSELF COLD AND ALONE!

4
AUG

Australia, People, wildlife

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