communications – Chanters Lodge Livingstone

Why?

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT!

– Can you cry under water?

– How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

– Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’…. but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?

– Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

– Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

– What disease did cured ham actually have?

– How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

– Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

– If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

– Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

– Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

– Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway…

– Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

– If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

– Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

– Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

– Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

– Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

8
AUG

communications

Charles Chulu – Ag Station Manager Zambezi fm

We were delighted to welcome the seemingly serious, studious Charles Chulu (pictured above) as the latest guest on the Chanters Lodge Experience with the Milli Jam Ingredient featuring George da Soulchild – that’s our regular Sunday night radio show airing live on Zambezi 107.7 fm, Livingstone’s leading local radio station at 20.30 hrs Zambian time and now streaming live on the internet too! 18.30 hrs GMT.

Charles had just been promoted from Programmes and Production Manager to Acting Station Manager and we were happy to be able to announce his appointment live on air. Mr Chulu is a 2009/10 graduate of the University of Zambia where he read Mass Communications and Development Studies. Whilst at University he gained experience working at the University radio station and served an internship with PANOS. He had been educated at St Clement’s High School in Luapula Province before attending University.

Charles told listeners that his long term challenge at Zambezi fm was to increase the listenership. In the short term the immediate goal was to host a car wash in Livingstone on the following Saturday to celebrate the 5th anniversary of Zambezi fm commencing broadcasting in 2006. Management, presenters and disc jockeys from the station would wash cars to raise funds for the Ebeneezer Orphanage in Livingstone. Charles thanked Chanters Lodge and others for the donations they had already received in this respect. Richard looked forward to Milli Jam washing his car at the weekend.

The music on the show was great! We opened with ‘In Your Bed’ by Mohombi. “Who’s in your bed?” I teased the Chanters Girls over the air. We followed Mohombi with the late, great Amy Winehouse and her classic ‘Back To Black’ speculating that the track might make the number one spot on the singles charts in UK that very evening. As it happened it didn’t. George’s local selection was O.C. ft Wendy Harawa with ‘Super XZ’ and Afunika’s ‘Ba DJ’. Good stuff! Milimo chose Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ and Mya ft Sean Paul with the soulful ‘Rear View Mirror’.

Our ‘Oldie Of The Week’ was Celine Dion’s ‘Think Twice’ and we gave away a dinner for 2 at Chanters Lodge to the first person to text us the name of the artist on the track. The listeners struggled but the prize was won! We gave the usual information about Lodgeblog and Twitter where we are @Livilodge, as well as the UK and USA pop charts update. ‘Private Dancer’ by Chris Brown closed the show.

Milli Jam wanted to know if Charles was married. He replied that he was not. “So you’re available then?” Milimo continued as the Chanters Girls at the lodge perked up their ears. “No I am not” replied Charles “I am very much spoken for!” I could sense the disappointment at the lodge through the air waves! “What football team do you support?” Milli Jam asked. “Locally I support Mufulira Wanderers and in UK I’m a Man Utd fan” Charles replied. “Play some music” I instructed as we laughed and did just that! (It’s an Arsenal show of course!) cutting off our station manager before he could wax lyrical about Rooney et al.

“Where would you like to be and what would you like to be doing 10 years from now?” Milimo asked Charles at the end of the show. “I have a passion for mass communications” replied Charles thoughtfully “so I would like to be broadcasting internationally from my own radio station, but in the meantime I want to work hard for Mr Swithin Haangala to make Zambezi fm the best radio station in the land”! “Super!” We said.

2
AUG

Africa, communications, copperbelt, entertainment, livingstone, management, radioshow, Zambia

Children And The Ocean

Thanks to Judy in Australia for these Saturday sizzlers concerning children writing about the ocean!

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

If you didn’t chuckle at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

23
JUL

children, communications, education

Aircraft Maintenance

Another classic from Judy in Australia! Airline unnamed!

Repair Division Of A Famous International Airline.

In case you need a laugh!

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour! Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way this airline is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny………… (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

6
JUN

airlines, communications, management, staff, travel

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

Thanks to Judy in Australia for this one:

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following :

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

4. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

5. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

6. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

7. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

8. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

9. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

10. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

11. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

12. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

13. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

Enjoy your day!

18
MAY

communications

Corporate Speak

Loved these from Judy in Australia!

A magazine recently ran a ‘Dilbert Quotes’ contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’ (Lykes Lines Shipping)

‘E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.’ (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

‘This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.’ (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

‘Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.’ (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

‘No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.‘ (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the Boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.’ (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,’That would be better for me.’(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

‘We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.’ (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Honestly!

12
MAY

communications, management

AfricConnect

As long time Customers of AfriConnect this from LusakaTimes caught my eye:

AfriConnect Zambia, today announced the commissioning of its direct fibre link to South Africa in its continued effort to provide the fastest internet service to the Zambian public. And AfriConnect will in the next few weeks be commissioning a second fibre route through Tanzania.

AfriConnect Commercial Director Ian Ferrao said in Lusaka that the commissioning of the Tanzania fibre route makes AfriConnect Zambia, the first Internet Service Provider ISP in Zambia to have multiple fibre routes. Mr. Ferrao also announced that the company has commissioned 155 mbps of high speed international fibre bandwidth on the network.

At the launch of its new SMT-1 Package in Lusaka, Mr. Ferrao announced “The launch of this service now means our speeds are faster than ever, with low latency to the internet for all customers”. Mr. Ferrao added that AfriConnect has upgraded its back up capacity to have better protection against fibre cuts and maintenance downtimes.

He said several months after connecting its fibre directly to South Africa offering less than 100 ms latency; customers have experienced faster general internet browsing, video conferencing and internet banking. And commenting on the company’s expansion programme, Mr. Ferrao said AfriConnect is expanding to Chililabombwe, Mufulira and Luanshya on the Copperbelt Province and Chirundu in the Southern province.

He said under the expansion programme, some towns will have base stations while others will have technical support stations. He said the towns on the Copperbelt will fall under the Copperbelt hub in Kitwe which now has engineers present to offer support to all its iConnect customers.

Note the lack of mention of anywhere called Livingstone despite the fact that it is the ‘tourist capital’.

26
MAR

Chanters, communications, infrastructure, internet, livingstone, Tanzania, Zambia

Silly Sunday!

Loved these from Gill Staden in The Livingstonian! Appropriate for Sunday!

“A few good ones from the church notice boards …“

– Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

– Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children

– Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

– The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

– Potluck supper Sunday at 5 pm – prayer and medication to follow.

– The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

– This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

– Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

– The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies in the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

– Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

– The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

– Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

– The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Lol! In a word!

20
MAR

communications

They Walk Among Us

Thanks to Judy in Australia for these gems! The photo? The mighty Victoria Falls in Zambia of course!

IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

1. My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said,’Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said we’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD’s.

2. We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.

3. I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

4. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

5. The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us…

13
MAR

Africa, Australia, communications, guests, joke, victoriafalls, Zambia

WordPerfect

Another classic from Di

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The Help Desk employee was fired, however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect .’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller: ‘They disappeared’

Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing??’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type..’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’

Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Opera tor: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s
plugged into the wall..

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ‘

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into
the back of your computer..’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’

Caller: ‘No..’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
‘
Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark?’

Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.’

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not?’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too damned stupid to own a computer!’

5
MAR

communications, computers, Customers, joke

Page 2 of 3 123