A Gift Of A Pair Of Gloves

This is a bit naughty but lots of fun! Enjoy!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to a top store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

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Couple Sex

Classic from Judy in Australia!

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was fishing by the stream at the end of the garden, and asked him,

“Grampa, what is a couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question then she’s old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.  Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, “Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

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Fitness!

Advice for an old guy….

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ….

I asked the trainer standing next to me,

“What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?”

The trainer looked me over and said,”I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

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Flogging An (African) Dead Horse

‘Flogging a Dead Horse’ is a compilation album of singles by the Sex Pistols, released after their break-up, hence the picture above! 
 
Thanks to Allen Chomba Chama for this jewel:
When you discover that you are flogging a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, bury the horse and get a living horse.

However in Africa, more advanced strategies are often employed such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip
2. Appointing a committee to study the horse
3. Changing riders
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures flog dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as “living impaired”.
7. Hiring outside contractors to flog the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Proving additional funding to increase dead horse’s performance.
10. Rewriting the expected performance requirement for all horses.
11. Promoting the dead horse to supervisory position.

 

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Great Quotes From Famous People

Thanks to Australian Judy here are some good quotes from famous people!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin…’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: –
‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
– Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible!
– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal

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I’m Passing This On….

I’m sure, like me, you get loads of e mails saying ‘read this and then send it on to 10 friends to become an overnight millionaire’ or ‘to avoid an untimely death’. Well here’s the latest I got from my friend Des and I psml as they say!

“I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished.

Now I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx”

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Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder

We haven’t posted a funny for a while, here’s one sent by my friend Derek in Scotland that made me laugh! Have a great Sunday!

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar, Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?

Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Tiger says, “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.

But, “how do you putt” asks Tiger

 “Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”

 Stevie Wonder says, “Pick a night.”

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A Day Off

Today is my half day off so this seemed appropriate!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was ‘crazy’ and give me a few days off

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, ‘What in the name of good GOD are you doing?’

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’

I jumped down and walked out of the office…

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, ‘..And where do you think you’re going?!’

She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark…..

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It’s Hot Down Here!

Loved this one from Judy in Australia!

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic lifestyles, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot down here!

Love

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Seniors Are Go!

Thanks to Judy in Australia for these gems!
 
1. Old Age Homes
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him:
“How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

2. A Short Neurological Test

Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you’re far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

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