Texting For Seniors

Thanks to Judy in Australia for these gems of SMS language for seniors! I’m not quite sure why she felt she should send me this information……

BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
CBM – Covered by Medicare
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

There are more but that’s enough to be going on with!

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Bushisms


I really don’t know how authentic these sayings by George W Bush really are, I got then from a certain Nalumino a friend of mine – but they’re jolly funny!

“You are never going to fail unless you try.”

“We’re scraping the bottom of the iceberg.”

“Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can’t afford to have any
fiddlers.”

“The project is going down the toilet in flames.”

“He might be barking at a red herring.”

“You’re treading on thin water.”

I think he meant we should cross our T’s and dot our I’s but it came out
this way: “Be sure we all cross our eyes.”

“He’s as deaf as a bat.”

“We don’t want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off.”

“I gave him a real mouthful.”

“I really took the bull by the hands.”

“He doesn’t know his hole from an ass in the ground.”

“You should talk to her. She is a minefield of information.”

“I can’t remember but it’s right on the tip of my head!”

“You can lead a pig to pearls…” and then he trailed off.

“Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a
Monday.”

“The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations
on the tree.”

And this last quote, which may or may not have come from Osama: “We need an
escape goat

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Stay of Execution


Something very silly for Sunday from Derek.

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it” . . . . . . on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub……. pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, Clarence Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she’d been, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

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They Walk Among Us


Thanks to Judy in Australia for these gems! The photo? The mighty Victoria Falls in Zambia of course!

IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

1. My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said,’Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said we’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD’s.

2. We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.

3. I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

4. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

5. The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us…

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Mississippi Debutante’s Ball


A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.”

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.

Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”

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WordPerfect


Another classic from Di

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The Help Desk employee was fired, however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect .’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller: ‘They disappeared’

Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing??’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type..’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’

Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Opera tor: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s
plugged into the wall..

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ‘

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into
the back of your computer..’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’

Caller: ‘No..’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark?’

Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.’

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not?’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too damned stupid to own a computer!’

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Telephone Jack


Thanks to Di Rapson for these:
Actual call center conversations!

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through. Can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

****

Samsung Electronics
Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the Number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

***

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
Traveling in Australia ?’
Operator: ‘Does the policy name give you a clue?’

***

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

***

Directory Enquiries
Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

***

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller: ‘Yes.. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland …’

***

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

***

Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer: ‘OK.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’

***

Tech Support: ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
You see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’

Customer: Wow! How can you see my screen from there?

***

Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’

***

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The Christening


Something silly for the middle of the week:

An Irish Christening

Patrick’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am, you had twins … a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ‘ Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he’s a clueless idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,’ Well, what’s my daughter’s name?’

‘Denise’ says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, ‘Wow, that’s a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother’, she thought …’I really like Denise ‘

Then she asks, ‘ What’s the boy’s name?’

The doctor replies ‘Denephew’

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Little Angel On Top Of The Christmas Tree

As you take down your Christmas decorations this week, before 12th Night we hope, think on this. It was sent me by an Australian – Judy – I’m sure you’d never have guessed. Don’t be getting the post Christmas/New Year blues now!

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Night School

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.

“The policeman replies, “Oh really?! And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies “My wife”.

Thanks Louisa!

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