Thanks to Roger Jones, apologies to Derek Dawson

DEC 18th
It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 20th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 25th
Christmas Day.
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish – grey.

DEC 31st
New Year’s Eve.
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for the car £500. Fell on my backside in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 1st
New Year’s Day.
Still cold. Had another 8 inches of the nasty white stuff last night. Car covered in salt and iced up slush. That wretched snowplough came by twice today. Where’s that bl**dy shovel.

JAN 3rd
More snow! Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 4th
That white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. If I ever catch that snowplough driver I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bast**d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael ‘effing’ Schumacher and buries the driveway again.

JAN 5th
16 more inches snow and ice and sleet and God knows what other white stuff fell last night. I am in court in 3 months’ time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can’t move my toes or my fingers. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 bast**d weeks. Minus 20 and more snow forecast:

SOD THIS! I’M GOING BACK TO AFRICA!!