I liked these from my sister Ruth
“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder”
~ John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan