A doctor was addressing a large audience.’The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said ‘wedding cake.’
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age,’ Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90!’
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. ‘Your Honor,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.’
Thanks to my sister Ruth for this classic!
I’m not sure who sent me these, but whoever it was should probably be shot!
Never mind, have a good laugh!
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes
Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.
“Really,” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, “These guys have lost the plot!”
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.
“Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was driving this morning when I saw an A.A. van parked on the side of the road.The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, “That guy’s heading for a breakdown.”
I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite
He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’ The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span. ‘The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?’
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said
‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. ‘The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’ But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Something to make you laugh this weekend, seeing we live so close to the world of bungee jumping! With apologies – obviously – to all Irish readers!
The picture? Oh! That’s a Kenyan doing it!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere’, says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Sod dat, dis budgie jumping is far too dangerous for me!’
Moment’s later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other
‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’
IT’S NOT OVER YET…
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
‘Sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now Sean and his damn hengliding!’
I’m not sure whether to thank Judy in Australia for this or not!!!
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
‘Do you know how they make these gloves?’ he asked.
‘No, I don’t,’ she replied.
‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.’
She didn’t crack a smile.
‘Oh, well.. I tried,’ he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
‘What’s so funny?’ he asked.
‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made!’
A cardiologist died & was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, & the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry,
I was just thinking of my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist”
…. The proctologist fainted.
MELANIE (age 5)
Asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’
STEVEN (age 3)
Hugged and kissed his Mom good night ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’
BRITTANY (age 4)
Had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’
SUSAN (age 4)
Was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough!’
DJ (age 4)
Stepped on to the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’
CLINTON (age 5)
Was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’
MARC (age 4)
Was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’
Was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’
JAMES (age 4)
Was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget…
This particular Sunday sermon….’Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’