joke – Chanters Lodge Livingstone

Breakfast Time

Little Johnny the farm boy comes down to breakfast. His mother asks if he’s done his chores. “Not yet,” says Johnny. His mother tells him there’ll be no breakfast till the chores are done. A sullen Johnny goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

At the breakfast table his mother gives him dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he whines. Says his mother: “I saw you kick a chicken so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig therefore you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother and with a sly smile says:

“Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

4
AUG

joke, restaurants

Blonde Tree Planting

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.’

2
JUL

joke

WORLD CUP SPECIAL!

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN’T INTELLIGENT?

“My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7.”
David Beckham

“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”
Mark Viduka

“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well,he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level. But he’s the best manager I’ve ever had.”
David Beckham

“If you don’t believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.”
Neville Southall

“I’ve had 14 bookings this season – 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.”
Paul Gascoigne

“I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.”
Alan Shearer

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.”
Mark Draper

“You’ve got to believe that you’re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out.”
Peter Shilton

“I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don’t want to leave Leicester “
Stan Collymore

“I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.”
Ade Akinbiyi

“Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
Ian Wright

“I’m as happy as I can be – but I have been happier.”
Ugo Ehiogu

“Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.”
Jonathan Woodgate

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.”(and let’s hope its not the Gautrain, brother!)
Stuart Pearce

“I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.”
Lee Hendrie

“I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.”
Ian Rush

“Germany are a very difficult team to play…they had 11internationals out there today.”
Steve Lomas

“I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.”
Barry Venison

“I definitely want Brooklyn (his child) to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.”
David Beckham

“The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.”
Phil Neville

“All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.”
Mitchell Thomas

“One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best.”
Alan Shearer

“I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.”
Johnny Giles

“Sometimes in football you have to score goals.”
Thierry Henry

9
JUN

joke

10 Downing St

We don’t ‘do’ politics on the blog, but if we did we’d have found this rather funny! (courtesy of Roger Jones)

One sunny day in May, 2010 an old man approached the door of 10 Downing Street from across the street where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the policeman standing guard and said, “I’d like to go in and meet with Mr Brown” The policeman looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the door of 10 Downing Street and said to the same policeman,”I’d like to go in and meet with Mr Brown.” The policeman again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Brown is no longer Prime minister and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached 10 Downing Street and spoke to the very same policeman, saying “I’d like to go in and meet with Mr Brown.”

The bobby, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to Mr. Brown. I’ve told you already that Mr. Brown is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Bobby and said, “Oh, I understand alright, I just love hearing it!”

“The bobby snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

14
MAY

joke, politics, uk

Ladies Night!

I liked this one from Roger Jones:

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant (above) because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums!

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before!

23
APR

food, guests, joke, restaurants

Welcome To The Snake Pit!

The picture is of my sister Ruth in Cape Town on her recent African holiday. If you followed some of the instructions on these signs, you might end up in the snake pit! (Thanks to Louisa – as usual – for these!)

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

28
MAR

Africa, joke

The Iraqi Footballer

Thanks to Derek and apologies to all scousers and Iraqis!

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield, home of Liverpool FC.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 1-0 down to Manchester Utd with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 2 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

“Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 1-0 down but I scored 2 and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.’

‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.’

The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m so sorry.’
“Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!” shrieks his mum,

“It’s your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!

11
MAR

football, joke, uk

The Creation Down Under

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach…..And BBQ’s……

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ’s, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water….for surfing, swimming, and BBQ’s on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans, chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ’s, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ’s, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. …

Well…. Almost good…..
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas (seen above) to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good…..

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

18
FEB

Australia, joke

Silly Sunday – Smart Answers!

Thanks to Louisa for these funny ‘smart answers’!

1. It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

2. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead!’

3. The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

4. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

5. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

Have a great St Valentine’s Day!

14
FEB

joke

What A Woman Wants In A Man

What a woman wants in a man:

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8.. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

31
JAN

joke

Page 6 of 7 «...3 4 567