language – Chanters Lodge Livingstone

Friday Funnies!

Friday Funnies – thanks to Judy in Australia!

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

18
JUL

Australia, joke, language

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

The Philosophy of Ambiguity – thanks to Ruth in UK for these! For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English!

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…… FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

4. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

5. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

6. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

7. IF A TORTOISE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

8. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

9. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

10. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

11. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

12. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

13. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

14. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

15. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, ‘GUIDE DOGS ONLY’ ? THE DOGS CAN’T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND.

5
APR

family, language, uk

Flabbergasted and other new meanings….

Thanks to Judy in Australia for these gems!

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Willy-nilly: Impotent.

5. Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

6. Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline

26
MAR

language, usa

Word!

Thanks to Judy in Australia for these gems!

Here are the winners of this year’s Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an a__hole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

7. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

9.Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating

12
MAR

Australia, language

The Buhlers Experience!

Left to right (above) meet Heidi Buhler, Chris Buhler and Maja Mores-Buhler, Swiss Guests on the most recent edition of the Chanters Lodge Experience with the Milli Jam Ingredient featuring Kaufela – that’s our weekly Sunday night radio show on Zambezi 107.7 fm, Livingstone’s leading local radio station. You will of course assume that all these Buhlers are related…. Wrong! Heidi and Maja are friends, while Chris and Maja are married and the fact that Heidi has the same surname was, we were assured on the show, pure coincidence! I originally had things so wrong I had to re-write the script for the show a couple of days before we went on air to reflect these relationships!

It was a good show, we air live between 20.30 and 21.30 hrs every Sunday and play latest music interspersed by chat with our Guests. Heidi and Maja explained that they were in Livingstone as volunteers with the Book Bus, based just around the corner from Chanters Lodge at The Grotto. They explained to listeners that they were both librarians by profession back in Bern, Switzerland so when they decided they would like to visit Africa and Zambia for the first time, The Book Bus seemed a natural choice of project. The Book Bus aims to improve child literacy rates in Africa, Asia and South America by providing children with books and the inspiration to read them. In Livingstone the organization has a converted truck packed full of books and volunteers that goes daily from school to school helping the children.

“Are you also a volunteer with The Book Bus?” Milli Jam asked Chris who said “no” and then explained that he had some free time from his job as an English teacher at Fachmittelschule Neufeld in Bern during the summer holidays, so he had come ‘along for the ride’. While Maja and Heidi were camping at The Grotto with the other volunteers Chris was staying at Chanters Lodge. He told us that he and Maja had been married ten years although they had been childhood sweethearts at school, only to meet up again later in life and marry! They have one son and one grand-daughter Emma, half a year old and the apple of their eyes! Heidi said she was married but now had a partner back in Switzerland.

The music on the show was hot! We featured tracks from Avicii, Robin Thicke, Mampi, Dandy Krazy, Mariah Carey and Kelly Rowland. Our oldie of the week was by Nicki Minaj and the prize of a dinner for two with drinks at the lodge which we give to the first person to text us the name of the performing artist was quickly snapped up. My pick was by Lucy Spraggan and we closed with Ellie Goulding’s beautiful ‘You’re My Everything’.

Chris told us that his favourite music is oldies in general and The Beatles in particular. Maja likes Mumford and Sons while Heidi does not like music. This shocked Milli Jam and George! Chris and Maja love swimming while Heidi likes downhill skiing and tennis. Whilst in Livingstone they had seen Victoria Falls, taken a sunset cruise and had been for high tea at the Royal Livingstone. They were very much looking forward to a four day safari in Zimbabwe at the end of the week when the volunteer stint was over, after that they would return to Switzerland with great memories of Zambia in general, and Livingstone in particular.

If you missed the show and would like a listen, here’s a link to the podcast.

26
JUL

activities, Africa, books, Chanters, charities, children, education, entertainment, language, music, radioshow, Switzerland, Zambia

Alternative Meanings!

Another great one from Judy in Australia:The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.
The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj.
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v.
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj.
Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.
Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.
To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n.
Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n.
A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.
A humorous question on an exam.

27
JAN

joke, language

New Words

Thanks to Judy in Australia for these gems!

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus:
A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon:
It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

23
JAN

education, language