Walking For The Children Of Zambia


A friend of mine Mueti Moomba – a Zambian expatriate living and working in UK – is walking from Sheffield to Leeds (34 miles) on 22nd June to raise funds for SOS Childrens Villages in Zambia – a cause with which we’ve been involved before at Chanters Lodge. Great guy and a great cause which need your support. Mueti’s being accompanied by a colleague – Natalie Kemp – on his tough venture!
Here’s what it says on Mueti’s ‘JustGiving’ page.

“Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving – they’ll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they’ll send your money directly to the charity and make sure Gift Aid is reclaimed on every eligible donation by a UK taxpayer. So it’s the most efficient way to donate – I raise more, whilst saving time and cutting costs for the charity. So please dig deep and donate now”.

Mueti goes on:

‘We’re appealing to everyone to spend a moment and think about the orphaned and vulnerable children that the SOS Children Villages in Zambia are helping. If we think of children as the future investors or leaders we should do all we can to empower them now and give them chance to fulfill that potential. In Zambia these orphaned and vulnerable children are housed and given a chance to go to school by SOS in order to secure their future. Myself and a workmate Natalie Kemp have a passion to raise money for this charity that will help such children live in a loving home and have a normal childhood.”

Thanking you in anticipation

Mueti Moomba and Natalie Kemp”

Awesome stuff and we wish them the best of luck!

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The Iraqi Footballer


Thanks to Derek and apologies to all scousers and Iraqis!

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield, home of Liverpool FC.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 1-0 down to Manchester Utd with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 2 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

“Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 1-0 down but I scored 2 and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.’

‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.’

The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m so sorry.’
“Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!” shrieks his mum,

“It’s your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!

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The Cowpat Police


Don’t usually do politics but I loved this letter to the Daily Telegraph sent me by Roger Jones:

The Cowpat Police

SIR – A big idea that David Cameron’s Conservatives should get to work on is to put an end to the compliance culture.

I am a vicar, a chartered surveyor and a farmer. I have the diocese and county council making me prove every five minutes that I am not a pervert. I have the Government and the Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors poking their noses into the running of my business and ordering me to prove that my clients do not all act as bankers for al-Qaeda, and that I won’t run off with my tenants’ deposits.

My cows have compulsory passports. I cannot bury them if they drop dead, and now I must have a poo policy to prove that they will not plop too much in each paddock. All this has appeared under Messrs Blair and Brown.

If David Cameron wants to mend a broken society, he must get government and all the other self-appointed busybodies off our breaking backs so that we can regain the courage to be neighbourly, and to serve each other without constantly looking over our shoulder.

I want to be trusted again, according to my reputation, not according to the number of boxes that have been ticked.

Rev Simon Shouler
Long Clawson, Leicestershire

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Diary Of An Expatriate Now Living In Inverness


Thanks to Roger Jones, apologies to Derek Dawson

DEC 18th
It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 20th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 25th
Christmas Day.

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish – grey.

DEC 31st
New Year’s Eve.

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for the car £500. Fell on my backside in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 1st
New Year’s Day.

Still cold. Had another 8 inches of the nasty white stuff last night. Car covered in salt and iced up slush. That wretched snowplough came by twice today. Where’s that bl**dy shovel.

JAN 3rd
More snow! Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 4th
That white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. If I ever catch that snowplough driver I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bast**d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael ‘effing’ Schumacher and buries the driveway again.

JAN 5th
16 more inches snow and ice and sleet and God knows what other white stuff fell last night. I am in court in 3 months’ time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can’t move my toes or my fingers. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 bast**d weeks. Minus 20 and more snow forecast:

SOD THIS! I’M GOING BACK TO AFRICA!!

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Whale Sharks, Ras Mbisi & Barefoot Luxury!


I love the blog from RasMbisi and @RasMbisi on Twitter too for that matter. Michelle, her husband and young family emigrated from UK a few years’ ago to set up their fabulous lodge on Mafia Island off the coast of Tanzania. Just how exciting and adventurous is that?

To prove my point, check Michelle’s latest blog about her Guests swimming with whale sharks:

“Kaskasi (northern trade monsoon) finally dropped slightly today, the sea looks like a mill pond this morning. Wageni (guests) off first thing to swim with whale sharks, armed with Bacon rolls, homemade pastries and strong coffee. Ibra our Dhow skipper spent 3 years working with a marine research programme and therefore has an extremely strong code of conduct regarding the Whale sharks, all guests get a lecture before he will allow them in the water. He and Johnson then swim with the guests watching out for the weaker swimmers whilst Bakari looks after the boat and gets the coffee and snacks ready for everyone when they get out. Hot coffee is always welcome after snorkeling even in the warm waters of the Indian Ocean.”

If, like me, you’re ignorant about whale sharks (whales or sharks? I asked myself) here’s about them:

“The whale shark, Rhincodon typus, is a slow moving filter feeding shark, the largest living fish species. The largest confirmed individual had a length of 12.65 metres (41.50 ft) and a weight of more than 21.5 tonnes (47,000 lb), but unconfirmed claims report considerably larger whale sharks. This distinctively-marked fish is the only member of its genus Rhincodon and its family, Rhincodontidae (called Rhinodontes before 1984), which belongs to the subclass Elasmobranchii in the class Chondrichthyes. The shark is found in tropical and warm oceans, lives in the open sea with a lifespan of about 70 years. The species originated about 60 million years ago. Although whale sharks have very large mouths, they feed mainly, though not exclusively, on plankton, microscopic plants and animals, although the BBC program Planet Earth filmed a whale shark feeding on a school of small fish.”

Michelle blogs her menus too, and sometimes Tweets them – don’t blame me if they have you drooling and already checking flights to Mafia Island. “Barefoot luxury” they call it “omg, smh” as they say on Twitter!

Awesome!

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Shakespeare Court, Lusaka


Hunting for medium/long term apartment/hotel accommodation in Lusaka, Zambia’s capital? You could do a whole lot worse than Shakespeare Court. It’s on Leopard’s Hill Road in Kabulonga, Lusaka – a place I know well seeing I lived on that street between 1986 and 1992! It’s a lovely leafy suburb of Lusaka but handy too.

There’s a (small) picture of Anthony Harwood and the Shakespeare Court management team up there! Anthony hails from Ottery St Mary in Devon, UK, my home county and is busy here in Zambia and overseas with various projects. We have the pleasure of Anthony’s company at Chanters Lodge, Livingstone this weekend. This is about Shakespeare Court.

“Shakespeare Court provides a large selection of Lusaka apartments within a secure and relaxed community. You are welcome to stay in our Lusaka hotel accommodation from two weeks to two years, or longer.

Each Lusaka apartment is designed for easy living for business visitors & people who are new to Lusaka. Every apartment includes satellite TV and internet connection. You will also find a fully fitted kitchen, so you can prepare your own meals, and nearby you will find Crossroads Shopping Mall with several places to eat, and a modern supermarket.

All apartments include bed linen & towels. So, you can just bring your suitcase, move in & start living. For further information on the local area please read our Guide to Living in Lusaka or download our handy Map of Lusaka.

To book your stay with us please use our availability search, or contact us for assistance in making your booking. We look forward to welcoming you to Shakespeare Court.”

Go to their website for full details!

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Holey Vision


I make no bones about reproducing this blog from Tanvir Naomi Bush – Holey Vision – (daughter of a very old friend of mine in Lusaka who healed me in many ways). Holey Vision is currently struggling with a degenerative eye disease as a student in UK. I love the way she writes and admire her humor and enormous courage. This is her latest post:

Last Sunday my journey cost me my entire week’s income support.
All of it.
There is nothing quite like knowing on the Sunday that the rest of the week is all oozing out of the overdraft. The problem was that there were no trains to Kings Cross and we had to reroute and take taxis across London. By the time Grace and I were squeezed onto the Paddington to Bath train we were dishevelled, disgruntled and the stress had caused my eyes to blur. Grace disappeared under the seat in disgust to hoover up old chewing gum and I squinted at my homework through my magnifier.

The train was full to bursting and within a few minutes there was a queue for the seat next to us. I huffed (very quietly in my best British manner) and took my rucksack off the seat to let in a large man with long shaggy grey hair and wire-rimmed specs. He didn’t mind dogs he said and somehow managed to manoeuvre his legs into the spaces left by Grace. His young son had to sit on his lap. There was just no other room.
They were on their way home from a match. I listened for a while as they spoke ‘football’.
‘What was Lampard thinking?’
‘Rooney got one in…..did you see?’
As happens eventually the man and his son asked about the dog and then – because the magnifier was giving me a cracking headache and I was needing to feel empowered again, to feel worth something, I began to whiter on about how I hadn’t always been this way…blind and alone..…oh no.! Once, darling… I had been in the movies, talking pictures..ahh yes..back in the day…..(sighs, turns diva like to camera, lights cheroot, sips dry martini. )
‘I wonder if he is impressed,’ I thought knowing full well that he and his son were probably quite happy to keep discussing goal tactics.
Refusing to release my captured audience on I went.
‘In Zambia,’ I boasted like some hideous ex-colonial ‘I tried, single handed, to jump start a non-existent film industry… ‘
The man laughs kindly and something about the mannerism is somewhat familiar. A little chill runs down my neck. I peer at him closely.
‘Err … are you in media?’ I ask.
‘Well yes I am,’ says the man. His glasses catch the light and I can’t quite tell his expression. ‘I make my own films and stuff.’
There is a pause.
His son is looking at the back of the seat and trying not to grin.
‘Umm.. would I have seen any of your ..’stuff’’? My voice is a little high.
‘Now lets see.’ The man genuinely thinks about this for a second. ‘You may have seen my last release. ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’?’
Turns out I am sitting next to Paul Greengrass .
That’s The Paul Greengrass.
Two Bourne films and ‘United 93’ among other remarkable and ingenious works.
I notice my mouth is open. I shut it.

After a while I manage to open it again and we end up having much banter for the last remaining minutes before they get out at Reading station.

After they have gone I resist the urge to stand up and shout to the other passengers in the carriage, ‘Oy! Did anyone just see that?!’ I nudge Grace but she just chews her gum and turns over.

So after all the delay, the stress, even so, I still feel exuberant and blessed. Of all the trains in all the world I am the woman who gets to have a personal hero from the movie industry and his son spend 15 minutes making me laugh by telling stories of Matt Damon mistakenly hitting someone in the face on set.

I wonder who Grace and I will bump into this week!”

I wonder!

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Wonderful English (2)


Following on from yesterday here’s some more ‘wonderful english’ taken from signs overseas! The picture’s another of my favourite places in England – Saunton Sands in North Devon.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany ‘s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

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Wonderful English (1)


Thanks to my friend Derek Dawson for these classics! My ‘gawjus’ daughter Alex is an expert English language despoiler, so I’m sure she’ll enjoy! Hope you do too! The picture? One of my favourite places in England – Devil’s Punchbowl on Exmoor in glorious Devon!

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDERWATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

That’s the first ten – some more tomorrow!

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