Thanks to Judy for this (cynical) one!
Labor Stimulus by: Gillard and Swan (above):
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it buy using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
However, fear not, below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
– If you spend the stimulus money at Coles, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka
– If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
– If you buy a computer the cash will go to India, Taiwan, Malaysia or China.
– If you buy fruit and vegetables, the money will go to Mexico, Philippines and New Zealand.
– If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
– If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
– If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Australia by:
1) Spending it at garage sales.
2) Going to the footy.
3) Spending it on prostitutes or
4) Beer or
(These are the only Australian businesses still operating in Australia )
Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage-sale and drink beer all day!