Just a day after Spanish football star Xabi Alonso called on FIFA to ban vuvuzela horns, Spanish fans have called on the football body to ban Africans. “They are just so black,” said fan Enrique de Torquemada. “And there are so many of them here in Africa. It is very upsetting.” Meanwhile
South Africans have asked the Spanish to stop lisping.
Alonso was widely quoted this week referring to vuvuzelas as an “annoyance” that should be banned. However, FIFA godfather Sepp Blatter has defended the horns. “South African football is all about noise, excitement, shouting and enjoyment,” he said. “And sometimes goals. But mostly just noise.”
Alonso’s South African hosts say they are taking the star’s complaints seriously, despite “Xabi” meaning “doos” in the ancient San language. “Obviously as a footballer Mr Alonso is a very unique person,” said Confederations Cup local organizer Sonnyboy Laduma. “I mean, it’s not everyone who has a Grade 9 education, is unemployable after 35, and who spends hours every day training to kick an inflated sack in to a net, who then tries to dictate the culture of another continent.”
However, Laduma confirmed that Alonso was not alone in feeling that Africa needed to change to suit Spanish tastes. He said that thousands of Spanish supporters had signed a petition asking
FIFA to ban not only vuvuzelas but Africans as well. “Apparently when they bought their airline tickets nobody told them that Africa is full of Africans,” explained Laduma.
According to fan Ignacio Tortilla, the Confederations Cup has been an “ordeal”. “Wherever you look it’s just Africans,” he said. “Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not a racist, but do they really have to be so aggressive with all the singing and smiling and hand-shaking?” Florida de Porpoise, from Barcelona, said he would have no problem with Africans “if they only tried to be more European”.
“We’re not asking for a lot,” said de Porpoise. “Just perhaps a little hair relaxant, some cigarettes, and an overwhelming sense of the futility of hope.” Meanwhile, a delegation of South Africans has asked visiting Spaniards to stop lisping. “For God’s sake, English is our sixth language and we can still say ‘s’,”said Jumpstart Moloi, who led the delegation to the Spanish embassy this morning.
“It’s not Nelthon Mandela, okay? It’s Nelson. Nelssssson.” He also appealed to Spaniards to “think long and hard” before asking locals for directions to Thanton Thquare and the thocker thtadium at Thocker Thity. b”Spanish is just such a freaking ugly language,” said Moloi. “It’s all just ‘eth eth eth eth’. FIFA should do something.”